It
is a common defense mechanism where individuals attribute their own negative
traits or emotions to others to avoid confronting intense and painful thoughts
and emotions.
It’s
quite common to hear people close to us expressing dissatisfaction with others
in their lives. This can range from complaints about a difficult boss at work,
to a friend who always seems needy, or a brother with a constant domineering
attitude. The shared sentiment is often a desire for these individuals to
change, believing that it would improve their own lives.
This
leads to a fundamental question: is it always beneficial to attribute the
outcomes of our lives to others? It’s widely acknowledged that influencing the
actions of other people is a challenging task. So, what about our own ability
to shape and control our lives?
I
recall a case study from my college years that focused on a client a married
woman. The issue revolved around her strong reaction whenever her husband used
his phone for social media. She would accuse him of comparing her to his
previous partners and question his honesty. It appeared as if a switch had been
flipped in her mind, leading her to express her frustration loudly.
At
first glance, her reaction may seem irrational, and her anger might appear
unjustified. However, delving deeper into her past shed light on the roots of
her current emotional state.
The
client’s father was highly critical, frequently comparing her unfavourably to
her elder sister and making her feel inferior. Consequently, her deep-seated
insecurities and self-hatred stemming from not measuring up to her sister manifested
as anger directed at her husband. Interestingly, she had been the one comparing
herself to his past partners, not him. This scenario illustrates a classic case
of projection.
Projection,
in simple terms, is a common defense mechanism where individuals attribute
their own negative traits or emotions to others. It serves as a way to avoid
confronting intense and painful thoughts and emotions. This phenomenon shifts
the focus onto others’ actions rather than our own.
I
used to experience strong feelings of anger and irritation towards people I
perceived as introverted. This emotion puzzled me until I looked deeper and realized
it was a form of projection.
In
truth, the anger was aimed at myself. I’ve struggled to accept who I am,
especially because I was taught from an early age that being quiet and reserved
was deemed “wrong”.
The
experience I described earlier was happening without my awareness, operating in
the background. However, delving into these emotions brought about a deeper
understanding. I saw it as an opportunity for self-improvement, working towards
building a stronger sense of self. Over time, I’ve come to accept myself,
recognising that introversion is a valuable skill, particularly in my current
line of work.
Choosing
kindness over judgment when we catch ourselves projecting can make a
significant difference. Projection, despite its negative connotations, serves
as a form of self-defence. We often resort to it because confronting
challenging emotions is a tough task. Dealing with pain, shame and guilt
requires courage. It’s part of human nature to opt for the easier, more
comfortable path—looking outward instead of inward.
What
can really help in such situations is being mindful of our emotions. Projection
involves looking outward, so turning our attention inward can be impactful.
Understanding our emotions makes self-management easier. As adults, we possess
the gift of intellect, enabling us to analyse and reflect on our emotions.
Reflecting on the past and recognising patterns makes it easier to process
difficult emotions. Knowing the context alone can cause a significant shift,
allowing us to fully experience our emotions.
Emotional
awareness also leads to a shift from blaming others to holding ourselves
accountable. This grants us the ultimate power and control over our lives—we,
and only we, have the ability to influence the situation. This perspective can
be very empowering.
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